Living in the moment...

Good evening :)

I hope you have had a wonderful day. I must say that I have been loving this stunning weather we've been having (I'm sure I'm not the only one!) It's amazing how much friendlier people are when the sun is out - I am one of them. But who can blame us. Being cooped up all winter with not so much as a few hours of daylight, living in heavy jumpers and creating sky high heating bills. So what if we go a little mad in the sunshine.

It's a bit chillier tonight so although I'm not sat in our little garden, I am sat by the window looking out. Dusk has come and gone and the sky is now bathed in a dark grey colour with the gentle hue of streetlights from the city on the horizon. My little solar lights have just woken up and the little stars are cheering the rest of the garden up and preparing them for another day in the sunshine.

It's very rare Paul and I get a few moments to ourselves. Alone time is so precious. With so much going on in our lives, it's important to take that time and use it well. I use that time to spill my thoughts out on my blog and I am so thrilled that so many read it. People from all over the world read this and I feel so blessed. Thank you.

The last few weeks have been difficult as we've just about suffered with every sickness bug and cold there is about!

Our poor little ones have really suffered. It scares you when their cheeks are that red and hot. And a person, albeit a very small person, who usually has a great deal to say for himself just lays there all day asleep or staring into nothingness.

I always wanted children but just like most women, I suppose, you wonder whether or not you'll be a good mum. Little did I know, when I was in my ‘I don’t think I’d make a great mum’ stage, how much joy I would get from just looking out and seeing something that made my son so freaking excited (in this case his sister tapping him on the head with a spoon). He squealed when she first did it and the squeals got louder and louder the more she did it.

Kids are reductive in the BEST sense of the word. They dispense with all things extraneous and reduce life to what it should be from time to time, simply joyful.

And they allow us to take that journey with them.

We need each other.

My kids need Paul and I to show them the way, keep them safe and make decisions for them at this time in their young lives.

And we need them to remind us that it doesn’t have to be that complicated, that we don’t need all this STUFF to make us happy and we observe from them how to live in the now.

I’ll never forget the last few weeks as they have never been that ill...

We’ll remember forever how their hands felt as they held on to ours in the middle of the night, hot, small and soft. And how their breathing was so deep and gentle. My mum instinct was there. Never questioned.

Paul and I have created two such wonderful beings and we are truly blessed. I feel so lucky to have the most wonderful husband. HE is the reason I am who I am. He is the most amazing husband and I would struggle the world over to find a more perfect father to Elle and Ben. And as his world started to crumble a few months back he remains strong and resiliant for us. We pray everyday for hope and strength and I know in my heart that things will be ok.

Our kids are growing, they are no longer babies, they have personalities. No one told me about that bit. I laugh when they have clearly inherited Paul's frown and recoil in horror when I see my own self staring back at me with huge ploppy tears running down my children’s cheeks. As a parent I am totally exposed. Feeling my way, blindly, and hoping that one day, probably when they have kids, they may send me a little text or something saying “OK, I get it”

Until then we continue to enjoy living our lives and forever wonder what this Big Life has in store for us as a family.

I love you and thank you for reading.

Bex

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An evening in the Springtime...

It's such a beautiful evening here. I am sat in our garden and I am just compelled to write. There's something marvellously beautiful about this evening and I just had to share it with you.

Since we moved in last May, the garden got put on the back burner. Our new home needed a new personality inside and the many months up to the birth of Benji consisted of creating a wonderful new space for us all. Needless to say the garden suffered. Elle had not long started walking let alone running so we knew she wasn't in need of a garden too desperately. Being pregnant through the summer meant that there was no get up and go in me after a full day with a 15 month old so the back "yard" became more of a dumping ground for the old radiators and used paint pots. So after the wonderful arrival of Ben and Christmas out of the way, my nose was twitching for the slightest sign of spring so I could drag Paul into the garden and we could transform the little yard into our little sanctuary. And tonight I am sat just there. It's BEAUTIFUL!

We have spent the last few days creating a canvas and as paul pulled up slabs and concrete edging I sowed my seeds and tended to my flowers. This evening we laid the new lawn and it put a smile on my face instantly. The vibrant green and the freshness of it is something I wish I could capture and put in little jars. I'd hand it out to people and watch them smile as they opened it.

Tonight our garden is alive.

And as we enjoy a peaceful half an hour listening to the world go by, not speaking, just living in each others company, I can see the future images of our kids running up and down, of picnics on the grass and laughing with the family and friends until late.

Tonight this is all possible and as I look into the night sky the little garden seems misicule in the grand scheme of life but this is my life and if this one little patch makes me feel how I do right now then surely that's enough.

Thank you for reading.

Bex

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