Mr S and My "Boob Job"

Good evening :) 

I promise, there will not be many more of these...! 

At 16:30 today I found myself sat in the waiting room in Outpatients 1, Subwait 2 with my husband holding my hand. 

He held it in a way that said so much. We were quiet, wondering, hoping and praying that all this would be over soon. As we sat in silence, I started to think back over the last 2 and a half years. The moment we found out we had a defective gene running in our family, the day we found out my sister had it, the day she had her operation, the day I made a decision to be tested, the day I found out I was positive, the day I made up my mind to have a PBM, the day I had a mammogram, the day I had my MRI, the day I met my consultant and today. The day I would find out the date of my operation. Each one of those days has dramatically affected my life and led me to that waiting room this afternoon. Luckily, we were not waiting long and a poor elderly gentleman was left alone in the waiting room - we had reassured him that he would definitely be next, poor soul. 

My consultant is called Mr Soumian and today would be the second time we would meet. A smile on his face and a good firm shake of the hand made me feel confident that I was in good hands and that all this would be just fine. 

Mr S, started to go over my options again to make sure I had made the best possible choice for reconstruction. He was very thorough and, after drawing a very lovely picture of my breasts and nipples on a piece of paper, it was agreed that what I had chosen would be the best choice for me.

So a little bit about the procedure I will be undertaking and why I have come to the decision that I have.

After having all your breast tissue removed, your first decision is whether you want reconstruction at all and if so when? You can have immediate reconstruction or wait a few months and then have another op where they re-create your boobs. I have chatted to many women who did not want reconstruction at all – viewing their boobs as their enemy and not at all bothered by being completely flat-chested. For me, I know I definitely want immediate reconstruction (I want to wake up with boobs of some sort) but I was unsure how this was going to happen.

The options for me were:

Implant (pretty straight forward) Although contrary to what a lot of people think I won't have bountiful breasts that resemble a Pamela Anderson or Katie Price. Due to the reason of the operation, every bit of breast tissue has to be removed (some will remain) so the implant is inserted behind my chest muscle. The results will not look like your typical "boob job" and more than likely they won't be completely symmetrical. With this procedure I can either keep my nipples or lose them.

A flap of tissue from my back - In this procedure the muscle is transferred to the breast area by "swinging" it around the ribcage so that it lies at the front of my body. I would need an implant with this also. This will give a more natural result but will result in a larger scar.

Flaps taken from the tummy - This is one chosen by a lot of women because a large amount of skin and volume can be replaced to achieve a very natural look and feel. Removal of excess skin and fat can also be a lovely surprise,  resulting in a "tummy tuck"  There are 3 types of abdominal free flaps, TRAM, DIEP and SIEA. This reconstruction will result in large scars.

Believe me, this decision was very easy to make. I knew I wanted implants purely on the recovery time. I have two young kids and I don't want to spend weeks recovering when I could be cuddling and playing with them instead. At the end of the day I just want the awful nasty tissue out, the reconstruction is just a bonus. The reconstruction is just psychological for me.  I did toy with the idea of no recon, but I thought about going to the opera with my husband at Christmas,  playing on the beach with my kids, going to work wearing every day clothes,  doing all that with no breasts would make me very self-conscious. 

So today, at approx 16:43 I confirmed to Mr S that I will be having the implants. I am still undecided whether or not to keep my nipples, but he said I can decide that as late as operation day, so I will sleep on that decision a little longer. 

The nipple dilemma - When they cut around my nipple to pull the flap of skin down and remove my breast tissue, they can either sew it back together after the surgery or remove the nipple all together and pull the skin up to cover where the nipple would have been. If I decide to keep the nipple, there is a chance that during the op, the blood vessels die off and once in recovery, the nipple itself could die (Which would involve another procedure to remove them) the other bad point is that the nipple will still have attached, some breast tissue, which in theory will raise my chances again, not by much at all but if I'm willing to go through all this, why bother with a nipple that may contain one little cell that screws me over...? 

The most interesting part of the operation is that the UHNS has recently been able to do part of the reconstruction using, wait for it..... 

...........
................
........................ Pig skin!

Although the posh doctor wording is Strattice Tissue Matrix. Basically, it provides a scaffold or framework which helps the natural growth of new cells and formation of new blood vessels. The piece of skin is designed and processed in a unique way to minimise the risk of rejection and will be placed under the bottom of each implant to create a type of hammock!

How unbelievably clever is that?! It is just incredible what these surgeons can do now. My new boobs will not have a web like mass of scars either – in fact the only scars will be around the nipples or minus the nipples, across the front of my breast. 

My pre-op will be within the next few weeks and then I'm on the home straight. A year ago, nearly to the day I found out I was carrying the defective BRCA2 gene and although there's been some tough, teary times, I am SO ready to jump and and get these damn things off. My boobs or my life, right?!

I have the BRCA2 gene mutation.

You would think that after all these months, after all this writing, that that simple fact would feel normal and acceptable by now. 

But it doesn’t you know.

I spoke to one of my dearest friends this evening to tell her my operation date. Well….she picked up the phone and the conversation went something like this:

“It’s me. I've just come back from the hospital and my operation is definitely going to be on the 28th August”

“Crikey. How are you feeling?”

“Scared titless”

“Titless??!”

…….oh did we laugh……

Laughter really is the best medicine.

So all that is left now, is to plan my "Good-bye Boob Party!" I am so very excited about this and can not wait to have my nearest and dearest with me to celebrate!

In the short term, I am easy to spot…I’m the blonde who is looking happy.. The one running/crawling when she gets the chance and the one who still squeezes her eyes shut every night and whispers “thank you” to the  big man in the clouds. 

Thank you for reading, this post especially.

I love you.

Bex xox

BRCA2 Information

Breast Cancer is the most common cancer in woman in the UK, making up around 30% of all cancers in women. By far the majority of cancers occur by chance and only 5-10% of cancers are thought to be inherited.

Three genes have been identified that carry a high risk of breast cancer: BRCA1, BRCA2 and TP53. A fault in one of these genes can confer with a lifetime risk of up to 85%

If you are worried, remember that if you have just one relative who has breast cancer you will NOT be at increased risk. However,  there are many specific characteristics that may indicate a gene mutation. Don't panic but just be aware of your risk so that you can personally make an informed decision about how to handle your situtaion.

Family histories are usually considered significant if there are:
1.     Two cases of breast or ovarian cancer under the age of 40 - especially a case of breast cancer in both breasts
2.    Three breast or ovarian cancers under the age of 50
3.    Four breast or ovarian cancers occurring under 60
(N.B 1-3: the ovarian cancer can occur at any age)

The Macmillan Cancer website has a useful  tool called OPERA which can guide you through your possible risk.

However, I can not stress enough that this is not a medical site and if you have any concerns please visit your GP.

It is also important to recognise that even if you are worried that you may have the gene, you do not have to be tested and may prefer to just have annual mammograms or MRI's. Similiary if you are found to have one of the genes you do not have to have surgery and instead can
be screened on an annual basis.  Having the test does not alter anything - you are the same person that you were from conception - but it may give you a sense of control.

For advice you can visit http://www.breastcancergenetics.co.uk/

A tribute, to my friends

Good evening y'all!

I hope this week is finding you well, happy and healthy.

I had a remarkable day today. It was one filled with complete kindness and love, so much so, that it brought me back to my little blog to make a lasting memory of it.

Over my last 29 (nearly 3-oh) years, I have had the fortune of making some of the most incredible friends. Some I made when I was tiny tiny, some I made a few months ago and they all make me happier with the knowing that I can call them my friends.

I won't put names, but you all know who you are and I wanted you to know that I treasure your friendship and hold it very dear to me. Without you some of these last 24 months would have been a lot harder. You have provided me with the most wonderful support and love and many, many laughs.

Over the years I have had the privilege of working with the finest chefs in the local areas, some of the most UH-Mazing front of house staff and waiting on staff. You guys worked with me and helped me get to where I am today, and you worked bloody hard! I have also worked with some of the finest gutter-mouthed chefs who prided themselves on the ability to throw a full plate of food the full length of the kitchen, narrowly missing me (this isn't for you, sorry!) But a few foul-mouthed chefs will always claim a small smile on my face.

This leads me to where I work today. I count myself so extremely lucky to have a job working with the most awesome women (the guys are O.K too). I have to admit that I was slightly apprehensive to start at the company 18 months ago. To go from being on my feet 12+ hours a day,  running bustling restaurants and dragging drunks out the door at 2am, to being based in an office with paperwork and lots of timescales was very daunting, but I have to say I felt like I was welcomed with open arms. Over the last 18 months the relationships with my female work colleagues has grown and each and every one of them is remarkable. For one, they are all gorgeous, inside and out. They all have something so special about them, such strong ladies with wonderful hearts. I love my job and I love them. (Thank you ladies for all your support)

So, these flowers are for you, for all of my friends. They are to say thank you. Thank you for being right here on this website at this time. Thank you for your comments, your encouragement. Thank you for the little hugs and late night texts. Thank you for coming  to check in on me when crappy things happen and most of all thank you for just being you - I couldn't be this happy without you.

I am no longer scared of the future because all the limitations I had put on to myself were false messages of fear and limitation and life is LIMITLESS for us all. The limits I had put upon myself, my dreams, my heart goals and my longings had suffocated every drop of hope I ever had.

So now with all the love and light that surrounds us, I am ready for this next step and I will do this with a smile on my face. I have the best friends and whether you realise it or not, every single one of you has given me the confidence and support to do this.

Within little things and life's small events, lies the heart and the very kernel of life. Right there, in front of us. And it is love.

I am complete.

Let's do this! 

I love you.

Bex xox

- A huge congratulations to Sarah, who got engaged recently. I hope the two of you have the most wonderful journey together. x

 - Thank you so much for all of your emails over the past month x

My boobs, my life and me...

I found myself sat on the end of a phone yesterday, listening to my surgeon's secretary tell me to be prepared for my next consultation. My consultant and the gentleman who will be performing my bilateral prophylactic mastectomy, would be telling me that he proposes to perform my surgery next month. This came as a shock as I was not expecting to have a date until at least November. All of a sudden the choices I'd made and roads I'd been down over the last 12 months, hit me in the chest, hard.

In my DNA I have the BRCA2 gene mutation and this increases my risk of getting breast cancer to approximately 90%. Now, if you were about to fly on holiday and the pilot said “Ladies and gentleman, there is an 90% chance that this plane will crash and you may die” don’t you think you might get off that plane as soon as possible?! You wouldn’t cross a road if there was an 90% chance of being hit – even if you were wearing every possible item of protective clothing and you were warned that the car was coming, I know I would find a different route. How can I NOT have these operations? If I develop breast cancer which, lets face it I am almost bound too, how do I look my children and husband in the eye? When little Elle and Ben say “mummy why didn’t you DO something?”. For me it is a no-brainer and I only have ONE option.

I read a message on a forum  today by  a lady in the USA who did have the mastectomy and oophrectomy but who has just discovered that she has breast cancer. A sneaky, cruel, horrendous tumour that has snuck in between her left fake breast (implant) and her fake reconstructed nipple. I cannot imagine how she is feeling. But she has raised another important point. Having a double mastectomy does NOT mean you are not going to get breast cancer. If there are even a few cells left that are made up of breast tissue then this wicked BRCA gene can start to produce tumours. The mastectomy can only decrease your risk (by up to 95% but NOT by 100%). It is still very possible to get breast cancer following this operation. She is unfortunately one of those 5% and my heart breaks for her. I can offer little comfort apart from the fact that at least she TRIED, at least she did everything she possibly could to keep it at bay.

If I join her in this 5% or don’t make it through this operation then I know at least I tried.

I had a bit of a “wobble” this morning. It was inevitable I suppose as it’s been ages since I have had a cry. It made me want to write tonight, as I feel it helps me cope a little better. I beat myself up a little more every time I even start to get apprehensive or upset about it. I think of the chance I have why other members of my family are suffering or have suffered so terribly, they never had this opportunity. I feel so guilty, why me, why didn’t they have this chance?! I get upset thinking of them and how tremendously strong they are and have been.  It’s not fair... They are my heroines and through my family’s genetic journey, they are who I need to thank for being the ones who have helped save my life.

This has been a life changing experience so far and I’m not even halfway there, BUT in less than 2 months I will have DRAMATICALLY reduced my risk of breast cancer and I will no longer need to live in fear of finding that inevitable lump.

It is such an obvious thing to write but I so believe in the power of the mind and the power of positive thinking. It would be easy for me to become a “victim” right now. I could wallow in fear and have sleepless nights filled with horrifying imaginings about this operation OR I can embrace the kindness of my friends, squeeze the hands of my children and appreciate every second of my precious marriage. I can remember how lucky I am and remind myself how I will now hopefully avoid chemo and ruthless cancer therapies. I will embrace the miracle opportunity that has been given to me and wear my new boobs with pride.

And most importantly I can now start planning the menu required for my “Good-bye Boob Party”!  I want my closest girl friends, considerable amounts of alcohol, inappropriate jokes, fake boobs etc The menu: chicken breast in a bap, 2 large jugs of Pimms, copious amounts of wine,  nipple chocolates, meringue and strawberries….oh the options are endless……..!!!

Thank you for reading.

Love xox

Genetics and all that jazz...

Good Morning to you. I hope you've seen a little bit of the sun this morning? I'm currently enjoying the warmth through my dining room window, yet I can see a big black cloud looming. Short lived warmth, I'll enjoy it whilst it lasts.

I felt compelled to write this morning. (It has been a while!) My husband shouted to me from upstairs this morning, "Bex, I didn't hear who they said, some actress, but she's had a double mastectomy too". So once the kids were ready for nursery I thought I'd have a look.

I don't know if it's because I am in the same place or just because my life has been dramatically effected by breast cancer but I'm so very unsympathetic towards the the decision. It sounds cruel, but it's true.

The discovery of the BRCA gene is so unbelievably incredible that it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Being told last summer that I was a carrier, to me, was not news that I needed to dwell on or feel upset about. It meant that I had a fighting chance. It meant I could make proactive choices that could ultimately save my life & although initially terrifying, I began to realise that this gene was actually giving me an opportunity to change this predicted course and was allowing me to dictate and secure my future health and happiness. I now had the opportunity to take dramatic action. I could opt to undergo two major operations which would hopefully give me the chance to save my life

As a mother, wife, daughter and sister, I have the AMAZING opportunity to reduce my risk to 5% or less. For me, the decision was easy. I didn't need to think about it. I have seen my sister, who is younger than me, go through the procedures and because of her strength, I know I can do the same.

The last few years our family has been struck by cancer hard and although not all cancer is genetic, the discovery of this gene means that my husband. and children will never have to worry about me developing breast cancer.

I am not taking the incredibly horrible decision away from these celebrities, because as mums, daughters, wives and sisters, the decision for them is just as hard, but the other implications are not the same. The ladies across the world who are not celebrities not only have to battle with the surgery, but the financial implications and looking after their children without the aid of money during recovery. The only aspect of the celebrities stories which is worth reading is the awareness that it brings to the genetic discovery and that it may help others get tested.

Discovery of the BRCA gene is nothing but positive. We, as carriers, are able to make decisions to potentially change our lives and only through research are we able to do this. This research also helps save peoples lives who have developed cancer. A place I hope I'll never be & with my next appointment with my surgeon today, I'm one step closer to ensuring that doesn't happen.

The real survivors and fighters are the people we should admire and celebrate, those are the ones who have the most difficult decisions to make.

My husband, my strength...

The last two and a half years years have been, without a doubt, the hardest in my entire life. They have been peppered with moments of joy and unconditional love but on the whole they have been very difficult.

Over the last twoand a half years I have, at some point or another, been found weeping over my babies as I dried them off after a bath, sobbed in to my pillow so that nobody would know I wasn’t really coping, sat staring in to space unable to comprehend what was happening, felt a sick feeling in my stomach as I was told certain things, felt like fighting back, felt like screaming, felt like I would never make it out the other side, wondered when we would catch a break, wondered what the lesson was and wondered where God was in all of this.

I began to get scared when I realised I was getting angry. Anger is a very dangerous thing. It is a typical, non-imaginative trick of the ego and it seemed like it had taken up residence in my thoughts and speech. I was really mad. And I was getting absolutely nowhere.
And that is when I found God in the situation. Some may call it peace, source, spirit. But it was there when I realised that the future of this situation lay entirely at my feet and in the path I chose next. Would I hang on to the anger or would I do what, at the time, I considered to be the weakest thing imaginable, forgive?

So I took the first tentative step towards softening and watched in amazement as my anger crumpled in front of my eyes. It was like being set free from rusty chains that had begun to cut in to my skin. The sun shone in my life and my face changed its expression. After the anger began to dissolve compassion rose its head out of the soil that I had buried it in and just wrapped its arms around me like a huge quilt. And then a feeling of peace poured and allowed me to rest in its company for a long time. God was there too.

Through all these hard times my husband has been my rock. He is the most wonderful man in the entire world and I wouldn't be where I am today without him. I can't even begin to explain what he has had to go through this year, yet he remains defiant. He has something inside him that makes him so so strong, yet I'm afraid that he will crumble... & I want him to know that I will be there for him, just as he has always been for me. There is nothing we can't get through and nothing that he will ever have to deal with alone. The love between us is pure and we will get through all of this.

Life hits you hard & we can't afford to waste a day.

Thank you Paul for being my best friend and my husband.

I love you.

Bex x

My Inspirations, my family...

Hello & a very happy Saturday to you :)

It has been so very long since I last wrote and lately my fingers have been itching to write, so here I am.

I hope you are well and enjoying your weekend so far. I, myself am not sat with my usual cup of tea and a slice of cake, but a glass of wine and the smells of homecooked dinner wafting through from the kitchen. I will probably bring the bottle through shortly...

So much has happened since I last wrote but as many of you know me, I need not bore you with it all.

Are you enjoying the Olympics? I find myself consumed by it some days. Not the actual Olympics and not so much the sporting aspect of it, but the sheer determination, pride and emotion you see not only on the faces of the Olympians, but on us as a nation. I can not count the amount of times my eyes have welled up (some tears may have fallen..!) watching the sportsmen and women push, push, push if not to achieve a medal, just to get a PB. It's something that amazes me. The drive and commitment to achieve greatness in something that they love so much, it's certainly very admirable.

The feeling of inspriation draws on me and last night I found myself thinking of my inspirations and where I get my drive from. It can be all manners of things, the early morning sun, the laughter from my children, a stolen kiss from my husband and of course my dear family.

My inspiration lies within my cousins, my brother-in-law, my mum, my dad and my sisters. Each of whom have produced strength within themselves that I find astonishing. I am in awe of all of them and I can not be more thankful for the way that they have touched me.

A few months ago my cousin was diagnosed with breast cancer. Of recent years I found a friend in my cousin that extended beyond just "being cousins" she became a very close friend and more like a big sister to me. I found this news devastating as did all of her family, her close family especially. As a mum, wife, daughter, sister and sister-in-law she did what only she does (and she does it sooooo well!) and declared that this was not going to beat her. She walked the Race for Life a little over a week after her double mastectomy and held her head high. Such a remarkable woman. She is currently receiveing chemotherapy and when I saw her last week, I couldn't believe it. A strong soul and an absolute inspiration to me. She oozes hope and happiness and I know she will be just fine :)

Another devastating piece of news came from Paul's side of the family at the start of the year. One of his brothers found out he had a rare type of cancer called multiple myeloma. Again, news of devastating proportions. Paul found the news very difficult to come to terms with. As a doting father and loving husband Paul's brother had to undergo some very painful procedures and him and his wonderful wife battled with set back after set back until his diagnosis. A story of incredible determination and the abundance of love and support from his close family and extended family and friends is inspirational. He still has some way to go but the good news is he's fighting this. They all are, and they're darn well beating it!

The family, in recent years, has been undergoing genetic testing due to the amount of family members who have had breast cancer. It was discovered just over 18 months ago that our family has a defective BRCA2 gene and its effects can be quite nasty. On the other hand the discovery of this gene can help prevent breast and ovarian cancer, with regular screening and options of surgery, those with the defective gene can have their chance of breast cancer reduced from 80%+ down to less than 10% - that, to me,  is just amazing. My sister found out in 2010 that the was positive for the defective BRCA2 gene and underwent a double mastectomy last year to reduce her risk.  Last month I too found out that I have this defective gene (although I was insistant that they were wrong!) and I will have to now make some life changing decisions.

I write about the BRCA2 gene, because I want to instill hope. Over the years the work and research that Cancer Research UK , Breakthrough Breast Cancer and all the other charities, doctors, scientists who help to fund, support and discover breakthrough treatments have provided me, my family and so many other families out there, a way of breaking free of the mould.

My cousin and Paul's brother are my inspirations.

But also, my mum for her early diagnosis, my auntie, for her early diagnosis, another female cousin for her remarkable story who is now in remission :) , my grandma for her battle, my auntie and my other grandma who lost their battles, my sister who has started to break the mould & my dad, for his constant struggle and his grief through the years, the stongest man I know, and my hero... The fight will continue and I know that this time round IT WILL BE BEATEN.

I pray everyday for the healthiness and happiness of my family and friends and draw inspiration from you all. We all have different stories and different family histories but with the help of modern medicine, fund raising and hope, there will be a time when we celebrate.

I lift my glass now.

I love you and thank you so very much for reading.

Bex

x

A VERY HUGE CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! To my little sister who graduated last month! Love you so very much xxxxxx

My family, friends and I are walking Snowdon on August 11th to raise money for Cancer Research UK if you would like to donate you can do so here http://www.justgiving.com/Rebekah-Gould0

Thank you xox

Children, the Great Leveler

A very happy Sunday evening to you! I hope you've had a weekend full of happiness, love and lots of laughter!

I like to think of myself as someone who is satisfied with certain areas of her life. I’ve travelled a fair bit and seen some wonderful places, I have met some extraordinary people, people who have changed my life for the better, I have the most fantastic friends, read lots of books, seen lots of theater, learned to speak German and other things like that. So in my head I think I’m a little bit bright and can hold my own in a debate when I feel strongly about it (especially when it comes to the merits of Jackson Pollack). I feel I can cope with most things and still find the funny side and I try not to take myself too seriously. I’ve noticed though that if I do start to think that I have it all sewn up then one, or both, of my children bring me down to earth with such a bump it makes my teeth rattle.

Children are such an amazing leveler, there is nothing as pure, simple and honest as a child. They are so good for the soul. Paul and I have f ound the last 4 months quite difficult with the children being in a constant sickness cycle. It has taken its toll on us and the kids and boy are we tired! There have been nights when we have survived on 2 hours and some nights not even that. From cleaning poorly nappies, sicky sheets, to just holding them when they needed to be held, but we worked together and I feel we are finally coming through the other side! Phew!

It was especially hard with our little Ben, seeing him so small and suffering so much but as we are now nearly four months on from where it all started, it seems that time has just gone by so quickly. Ben is 8 months and the poor little man has been poorly for four months of that. It's definitely time for some spoiling! Yet amidst all that, our little girl turned 2 a couple of weeks ago. Now that is certainly scary. It seems only yesterday that I was lying in the maternity ward, scared out of my mind, not knowing what to do or what was going to happen... That was the easy part. Our little lady is growing up (too quick). I really need to find some kind of device that slows time down, if anyone has one - let me know! I saw this the other day and well... I couldn't put it better myself!


First, Lord:
No tattoos.

May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be beautiful but not damaged, for it’s the damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels.
What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design?

I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her own heart with the sinewy strength of her own arms, so she need not lie with drummers.

Grant her a rough patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day –
And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a ‘Bitch’ in front of Hollister, give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, for I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a mental note to call me.

And she will forget.

But I’ll know, because I peeped it with your God eyes.
Amen.

Taken from Tina Fey's book "Bossypants"


Of course our kids will have dreams of their own, we understand that as parents. We certainly don’t want them to have our dreams that would be awful. But we do want them to know desire and envision a big life and understand that dreams are not a gift, given to you, but a journey that a person has to take, with all the twists and turns in the road that your dream presents you with.

Sometimes I wish I was rich, rich so that I could look after my family without having to worry about every penny. I wish we could jet off on holidays and drive fancy cars but suddenly reality hits and I realise, I already am rich. I have two beautiful children and a wonderful husband. The children haven't a clue about money. All they care about its the richness of family life. The cuddles from daddy and mummy, the stories, the songs, the laughter and the happiness. For them, that is rich.

And as we sit surrounded by the left overs of Sunday dinner, I realise that my husband and I have a job to do raising them, as every other parent before us has had. No different really just a different set of problems and we’ll get there if we pay attention and relish the task.

Which we do.

These are just thoughts today. Thoughts that I find good to bash out on to the keyboard. That’s OK I think, it’s always OK to examine dreams and desires when you have children because one day you may be called upon to guide them through theirs and I want to be as ready as I can be.

I love you and thank you for reading,

Bex

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