Saturday, 6 October 2012

My husband, my strength...

The last two and a half years years have been, without a doubt, the hardest in my entire life. They have been peppered with moments of joy and unconditional love but on the whole they have been very difficult.

Over the last twoand a half years I have, at some point or another, been found weeping over my babies as I dried them off after a bath, sobbed in to my pillow so that nobody would know I wasn’t really coping, sat staring in to space unable to comprehend what was happening, felt a sick feeling in my stomach as I was told certain things, felt like fighting back, felt like screaming, felt like I would never make it out the other side, wondered when we would catch a break, wondered what the lesson was and wondered where God was in all of this.

I began to get scared when I realised I was getting angry. Anger is a very dangerous thing. It is a typical, non-imaginative trick of the ego and it seemed like it had taken up residence in my thoughts and speech. I was really mad. And I was getting absolutely nowhere.
And that is when I found God in the situation. Some may call it peace, source, spirit. But it was there when I realised that the future of this situation lay entirely at my feet and in the path I chose next. Would I hang on to the anger or would I do what, at the time, I considered to be the weakest thing imaginable, forgive?

So I took the first tentative step towards softening and watched in amazement as my anger crumpled in front of my eyes. It was like being set free from rusty chains that had begun to cut in to my skin. The sun shone in my life and my face changed its expression. After the anger began to dissolve compassion rose its head out of the soil that I had buried it in and just wrapped its arms around me like a huge quilt. And then a feeling of peace poured and allowed me to rest in its company for a long time. God was there too.

Through all these hard times my husband has been my rock. He is the most wonderful man in the entire world and I wouldn't be where I am today without him. I can't even begin to explain what he has had to go through this year, yet he remains defiant. He has something inside him that makes him so so strong, yet I'm afraid that he will crumble... & I want him to know that I will be there for him, just as he has always been for me. There is nothing we can't get through and nothing that he will ever have to deal with alone. The love between us is pure and we will get through all of this.

Life hits you hard & we can't afford to waste a day.

Thank you Paul for being my best friend and my husband.

I love you.

Bex x

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