My husband, my strength...

The last two and a half years years have been, without a doubt, the hardest in my entire life. They have been peppered with moments of joy and unconditional love but on the whole they have been very difficult.

Over the last twoand a half years I have, at some point or another, been found weeping over my babies as I dried them off after a bath, sobbed in to my pillow so that nobody would know I wasn’t really coping, sat staring in to space unable to comprehend what was happening, felt a sick feeling in my stomach as I was told certain things, felt like fighting back, felt like screaming, felt like I would never make it out the other side, wondered when we would catch a break, wondered what the lesson was and wondered where God was in all of this.

I began to get scared when I realised I was getting angry. Anger is a very dangerous thing. It is a typical, non-imaginative trick of the ego and it seemed like it had taken up residence in my thoughts and speech. I was really mad. And I was getting absolutely nowhere.
And that is when I found God in the situation. Some may call it peace, source, spirit. But it was there when I realised that the future of this situation lay entirely at my feet and in the path I chose next. Would I hang on to the anger or would I do what, at the time, I considered to be the weakest thing imaginable, forgive?

So I took the first tentative step towards softening and watched in amazement as my anger crumpled in front of my eyes. It was like being set free from rusty chains that had begun to cut in to my skin. The sun shone in my life and my face changed its expression. After the anger began to dissolve compassion rose its head out of the soil that I had buried it in and just wrapped its arms around me like a huge quilt. And then a feeling of peace poured and allowed me to rest in its company for a long time. God was there too.

Through all these hard times my husband has been my rock. He is the most wonderful man in the entire world and I wouldn't be where I am today without him. I can't even begin to explain what he has had to go through this year, yet he remains defiant. He has something inside him that makes him so so strong, yet I'm afraid that he will crumble... & I want him to know that I will be there for him, just as he has always been for me. There is nothing we can't get through and nothing that he will ever have to deal with alone. The love between us is pure and we will get through all of this.

Life hits you hard & we can't afford to waste a day.

Thank you Paul for being my best friend and my husband.

I love you.

Bex x

My Inspirations, my family...

Hello & a very happy Saturday to you :)

It has been so very long since I last wrote and lately my fingers have been itching to write, so here I am.

I hope you are well and enjoying your weekend so far. I, myself am not sat with my usual cup of tea and a slice of cake, but a glass of wine and the smells of homecooked dinner wafting through from the kitchen. I will probably bring the bottle through shortly...

So much has happened since I last wrote but as many of you know me, I need not bore you with it all.

Are you enjoying the Olympics? I find myself consumed by it some days. Not the actual Olympics and not so much the sporting aspect of it, but the sheer determination, pride and emotion you see not only on the faces of the Olympians, but on us as a nation. I can not count the amount of times my eyes have welled up (some tears may have fallen..!) watching the sportsmen and women push, push, push if not to achieve a medal, just to get a PB. It's something that amazes me. The drive and commitment to achieve greatness in something that they love so much, it's certainly very admirable.

The feeling of inspriation draws on me and last night I found myself thinking of my inspirations and where I get my drive from. It can be all manners of things, the early morning sun, the laughter from my children, a stolen kiss from my husband and of course my dear family.

My inspiration lies within my cousins, my brother-in-law, my mum, my dad and my sisters. Each of whom have produced strength within themselves that I find astonishing. I am in awe of all of them and I can not be more thankful for the way that they have touched me.

A few months ago my cousin was diagnosed with breast cancer. Of recent years I found a friend in my cousin that extended beyond just "being cousins" she became a very close friend and more like a big sister to me. I found this news devastating as did all of her family, her close family especially. As a mum, wife, daughter, sister and sister-in-law she did what only she does (and she does it sooooo well!) and declared that this was not going to beat her. She walked the Race for Life a little over a week after her double mastectomy and held her head high. Such a remarkable woman. She is currently receiveing chemotherapy and when I saw her last week, I couldn't believe it. A strong soul and an absolute inspiration to me. She oozes hope and happiness and I know she will be just fine :)

Another devastating piece of news came from Paul's side of the family at the start of the year. One of his brothers found out he had a rare type of cancer called multiple myeloma. Again, news of devastating proportions. Paul found the news very difficult to come to terms with. As a doting father and loving husband Paul's brother had to undergo some very painful procedures and him and his wonderful wife battled with set back after set back until his diagnosis. A story of incredible determination and the abundance of love and support from his close family and extended family and friends is inspirational. He still has some way to go but the good news is he's fighting this. They all are, and they're darn well beating it!

The family, in recent years, has been undergoing genetic testing due to the amount of family members who have had breast cancer. It was discovered just over 18 months ago that our family has a defective BRCA2 gene and its effects can be quite nasty. On the other hand the discovery of this gene can help prevent breast and ovarian cancer, with regular screening and options of surgery, those with the defective gene can have their chance of breast cancer reduced from 80%+ down to less than 10% - that, to me,  is just amazing. My sister found out in 2010 that the was positive for the defective BRCA2 gene and underwent a double mastectomy last year to reduce her risk.  Last month I too found out that I have this defective gene (although I was insistant that they were wrong!) and I will have to now make some life changing decisions.

I write about the BRCA2 gene, because I want to instill hope. Over the years the work and research that Cancer Research UK , Breakthrough Breast Cancer and all the other charities, doctors, scientists who help to fund, support and discover breakthrough treatments have provided me, my family and so many other families out there, a way of breaking free of the mould.

My cousin and Paul's brother are my inspirations.

But also, my mum for her early diagnosis, my auntie, for her early diagnosis, another female cousin for her remarkable story who is now in remission :) , my grandma for her battle, my auntie and my other grandma who lost their battles, my sister who has started to break the mould & my dad, for his constant struggle and his grief through the years, the stongest man I know, and my hero... The fight will continue and I know that this time round IT WILL BE BEATEN.

I pray everyday for the healthiness and happiness of my family and friends and draw inspiration from you all. We all have different stories and different family histories but with the help of modern medicine, fund raising and hope, there will be a time when we celebrate.

I lift my glass now.

I love you and thank you so very much for reading.

Bex

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A VERY HUGE CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! To my little sister who graduated last month! Love you so very much xxxxxx

My family, friends and I are walking Snowdon on August 11th to raise money for Cancer Research UK if you would like to donate you can do so here http://www.justgiving.com/Rebekah-Gould0

Thank you xox

Children, the Great Leveler

A very happy Sunday evening to you! I hope you've had a weekend full of happiness, love and lots of laughter!

I like to think of myself as someone who is satisfied with certain areas of her life. I’ve travelled a fair bit and seen some wonderful places, I have met some extraordinary people, people who have changed my life for the better, I have the most fantastic friends, read lots of books, seen lots of theater, learned to speak German and other things like that. So in my head I think I’m a little bit bright and can hold my own in a debate when I feel strongly about it (especially when it comes to the merits of Jackson Pollack). I feel I can cope with most things and still find the funny side and I try not to take myself too seriously. I’ve noticed though that if I do start to think that I have it all sewn up then one, or both, of my children bring me down to earth with such a bump it makes my teeth rattle.

Children are such an amazing leveler, there is nothing as pure, simple and honest as a child. They are so good for the soul. Paul and I have f ound the last 4 months quite difficult with the children being in a constant sickness cycle. It has taken its toll on us and the kids and boy are we tired! There have been nights when we have survived on 2 hours and some nights not even that. From cleaning poorly nappies, sicky sheets, to just holding them when they needed to be held, but we worked together and I feel we are finally coming through the other side! Phew!

It was especially hard with our little Ben, seeing him so small and suffering so much but as we are now nearly four months on from where it all started, it seems that time has just gone by so quickly. Ben is 8 months and the poor little man has been poorly for four months of that. It's definitely time for some spoiling! Yet amidst all that, our little girl turned 2 a couple of weeks ago. Now that is certainly scary. It seems only yesterday that I was lying in the maternity ward, scared out of my mind, not knowing what to do or what was going to happen... That was the easy part. Our little lady is growing up (too quick). I really need to find some kind of device that slows time down, if anyone has one - let me know! I saw this the other day and well... I couldn't put it better myself!


First, Lord:
No tattoos.

May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be beautiful but not damaged, for it’s the damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels.
What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design?

I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her own heart with the sinewy strength of her own arms, so she need not lie with drummers.

Grant her a rough patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day –
And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a ‘Bitch’ in front of Hollister, give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, for I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a mental note to call me.

And she will forget.

But I’ll know, because I peeped it with your God eyes.
Amen.

Taken from Tina Fey's book "Bossypants"


Of course our kids will have dreams of their own, we understand that as parents. We certainly don’t want them to have our dreams that would be awful. But we do want them to know desire and envision a big life and understand that dreams are not a gift, given to you, but a journey that a person has to take, with all the twists and turns in the road that your dream presents you with.

Sometimes I wish I was rich, rich so that I could look after my family without having to worry about every penny. I wish we could jet off on holidays and drive fancy cars but suddenly reality hits and I realise, I already am rich. I have two beautiful children and a wonderful husband. The children haven't a clue about money. All they care about its the richness of family life. The cuddles from daddy and mummy, the stories, the songs, the laughter and the happiness. For them, that is rich.

And as we sit surrounded by the left overs of Sunday dinner, I realise that my husband and I have a job to do raising them, as every other parent before us has had. No different really just a different set of problems and we’ll get there if we pay attention and relish the task.

Which we do.

These are just thoughts today. Thoughts that I find good to bash out on to the keyboard. That’s OK I think, it’s always OK to examine dreams and desires when you have children because one day you may be called upon to guide them through theirs and I want to be as ready as I can be.

I love you and thank you for reading,

Bex

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Living in the moment...

Good evening :)

I hope you have had a wonderful day. I must say that I have been loving this stunning weather we've been having (I'm sure I'm not the only one!) It's amazing how much friendlier people are when the sun is out - I am one of them. But who can blame us. Being cooped up all winter with not so much as a few hours of daylight, living in heavy jumpers and creating sky high heating bills. So what if we go a little mad in the sunshine.

It's a bit chillier tonight so although I'm not sat in our little garden, I am sat by the window looking out. Dusk has come and gone and the sky is now bathed in a dark grey colour with the gentle hue of streetlights from the city on the horizon. My little solar lights have just woken up and the little stars are cheering the rest of the garden up and preparing them for another day in the sunshine.

It's very rare Paul and I get a few moments to ourselves. Alone time is so precious. With so much going on in our lives, it's important to take that time and use it well. I use that time to spill my thoughts out on my blog and I am so thrilled that so many read it. People from all over the world read this and I feel so blessed. Thank you.

The last few weeks have been difficult as we've just about suffered with every sickness bug and cold there is about!

Our poor little ones have really suffered. It scares you when their cheeks are that red and hot. And a person, albeit a very small person, who usually has a great deal to say for himself just lays there all day asleep or staring into nothingness.

I always wanted children but just like most women, I suppose, you wonder whether or not you'll be a good mum. Little did I know, when I was in my ‘I don’t think I’d make a great mum’ stage, how much joy I would get from just looking out and seeing something that made my son so freaking excited (in this case his sister tapping him on the head with a spoon). He squealed when she first did it and the squeals got louder and louder the more she did it.

Kids are reductive in the BEST sense of the word. They dispense with all things extraneous and reduce life to what it should be from time to time, simply joyful.

And they allow us to take that journey with them.

We need each other.

My kids need Paul and I to show them the way, keep them safe and make decisions for them at this time in their young lives.

And we need them to remind us that it doesn’t have to be that complicated, that we don’t need all this STUFF to make us happy and we observe from them how to live in the now.

I’ll never forget the last few weeks as they have never been that ill...

We’ll remember forever how their hands felt as they held on to ours in the middle of the night, hot, small and soft. And how their breathing was so deep and gentle. My mum instinct was there. Never questioned.

Paul and I have created two such wonderful beings and we are truly blessed. I feel so lucky to have the most wonderful husband. HE is the reason I am who I am. He is the most amazing husband and I would struggle the world over to find a more perfect father to Elle and Ben. And as his world started to crumble a few months back he remains strong and resiliant for us. We pray everyday for hope and strength and I know in my heart that things will be ok.

Our kids are growing, they are no longer babies, they have personalities. No one told me about that bit. I laugh when they have clearly inherited Paul's frown and recoil in horror when I see my own self staring back at me with huge ploppy tears running down my children’s cheeks. As a parent I am totally exposed. Feeling my way, blindly, and hoping that one day, probably when they have kids, they may send me a little text or something saying “OK, I get it”

Until then we continue to enjoy living our lives and forever wonder what this Big Life has in store for us as a family.

I love you and thank you for reading.

Bex

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An evening in the Springtime...

It's such a beautiful evening here. I am sat in our garden and I am just compelled to write. There's something marvellously beautiful about this evening and I just had to share it with you.

Since we moved in last May, the garden got put on the back burner. Our new home needed a new personality inside and the many months up to the birth of Benji consisted of creating a wonderful new space for us all. Needless to say the garden suffered. Elle had not long started walking let alone running so we knew she wasn't in need of a garden too desperately. Being pregnant through the summer meant that there was no get up and go in me after a full day with a 15 month old so the back "yard" became more of a dumping ground for the old radiators and used paint pots. So after the wonderful arrival of Ben and Christmas out of the way, my nose was twitching for the slightest sign of spring so I could drag Paul into the garden and we could transform the little yard into our little sanctuary. And tonight I am sat just there. It's BEAUTIFUL!

We have spent the last few days creating a canvas and as paul pulled up slabs and concrete edging I sowed my seeds and tended to my flowers. This evening we laid the new lawn and it put a smile on my face instantly. The vibrant green and the freshness of it is something I wish I could capture and put in little jars. I'd hand it out to people and watch them smile as they opened it.

Tonight our garden is alive.

And as we enjoy a peaceful half an hour listening to the world go by, not speaking, just living in each others company, I can see the future images of our kids running up and down, of picnics on the grass and laughing with the family and friends until late.

Tonight this is all possible and as I look into the night sky the little garden seems misicule in the grand scheme of life but this is my life and if this one little patch makes me feel how I do right now then surely that's enough.

Thank you for reading.

Bex

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