Tuesday, 27 August 2013

The day before...


It feels like a rock that is lodged in my chest. I can’t really breathe in enough and its there blocking my smile. Gone are the boob jokes. Gone is any sense of bravery. Instead I am weeping for me and for my breasts. I don’t want to be cut up and I am so scared of the pain. I’m actually a great big woos and make such a drama out of the tiniest cut and I’m frightened of the fire pit that I now have to throw myself into.

My bag is packed but packed full of terrifying imaginings.

I hold my breasts tight to my chest not wanting anyone to touch them, to take them from me.

I am preparing to go into battle now. It is this powerful cancer gene versus me. For I may not let it win and take me from my children. Instead I have to now absorb all that kindness that I have had from so many and layer it on like shields of armour. Now is the time for the digging and with my shovel in hand I need to search for that courage, calmly and with a sense of control. I am not going to wait for cancer and like a fireman I am going to hose down the wall of fire so that it may not wipe me out and infest my body.

I can take my head back to that genetics room and look at my genetics doctor as she told me I had the gene. I can rewind the last 13 months and flick through the images since. The tears, my family, my darling friends, my determination, this blog and now it is finally time for the sacrifice. 

For that is what it feels like. I will sacrifice my breasts up onto the alter now and make a pact with cancer. You can take them from me but then you are to leave me well alone. You may not take the rest of me and you may not visit my body at all. Take them and run. That is the deal. 

My eyes are swollen and I now have to wash my face and put on some make up to hide behind. It will soon be time to dress the children and to take them to their daycare. I have hidden fear from them and I do not want my face to betray me. I can barely write this but if, god forbid I don’t make it back to this dining room table, then know my little ones that they could have taken all my limbs if it meant that I could bring you up and shelter you. This is all for you and actually I would do it every day without hesitation. I love you and mummy will see you in a few days. xxxx

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