I want to run. I want to put on my trainers, grab my phone & put my running soundtrack on. I want to feel the ground under my feet as I run, run hard and run fast. I want to run to the top of a mountain. I want to feel the pain the breathlessness, the wind against my face. I want to stand at the top of this mountain. I want to stand there and scream. I want to scream "I did it!!!!"
I really did do it.
I took the gene head on and now I, have the upper hand.
I went into surgery at around 4pm last Wednesday. I kissed my children goodbye in the morning and my husband left me, teary eyed at around 8am. I was scared. So very scared. I was not scared about losing my breasts, I was not scared of how they would look afterwards, to me, all that was irrelevant. I was scared that I wouldn't wake up. I prayed and prayed and nearly 5 hours later I woke up in recovery.
I awoke with 4 drains in me and a horrible "tightness" around my chest, arms and back. The rest, to be honest, is a bit blurry. I remember Paul coming to see me around half 9 ish. I remember him looking so white, I can't imagine what I must have looked like, I'm grateful that I didn't have to see. Our conversation was a bit hazy as I drifted in and out of sleep. He kissed me on the forehead, told me he loved me and left. I fell asleep and had one of the worst nights sleep I've ever had - even with 2 kids!
I was closely monitored throughout the night by the wonderful nurses who kept coming in to check on me. I had a button clenched in my hand, it was for the morphine. I held on to it tightly but managed to get through the night without it.
It was 6am when I heard the nurses do their rounds. That's when I really "woke". That's when the pain really hit. The anesthetic was disappearing and I was close to tears. I had 1 drain under each arm and 1 drain under each breast. The most painful thing was the tightness. It's so hard to describe.
I wrote the above a week or so ago, after my operation. I saved it as a draft as I couldn't find the words to describe the whole experience. I also did not think I was worthy of moaning or wallowing in my pain or upset.
Now, another 10 days on, the drains are removed and I have had the "all clear" (in regards to my breast tissue) from my consultant, I feel elated. I feel happy and blessed. That looming operation that my husband and I had hanging over our heads for over 17 months, has been done. That's it. I have no worries now. We did it. I did it.
My life is a different colour now. I can no longer see any bad in any situation. I was given a chance at life and it may have taken me to 30 to realise it, but I will never be the same.
I will live my life differently. But I will never forget those who made it possible for me to walk around with this smile. For those REMARKABLE women and their sufferings, I will be eternally gratefully. Also, to my surgeon and consultant Mr S... how do you thank someone who has saved your life...? For him, a daily operation. To me, my life. Thank you. All of you...
So now it's time to move on, for tomorrow is another wonderful day.
Thank you for following me on my journey.
It's time to run.